“…Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

18 Nov

Kathryn Hauser’s Reflection for 25 After Pentecost 18 November 2012

“…Something Borrowed, Something Blue”

I’ve got the Wedding Motto Blues.  Lord?  Conversation, please.  

Me: Jesus, my Husband, may I have a word with You?

Jesus: Of course.  What’s on your heart?

Me: You know I love You.  Because I love You, I must be honest with You.  To tell You the truth, I am angry.

Jesus: Why?

Me: You’re smiling when You ask why!  Why?!  I’ll tell You why!  Because I am feeling jealous at the root of my anger, because [!] the sun has gone down.  (ref Eph 4:26)  You told the modern prophets the same wedding motto that You courted me with back at the beginning of our relationship:

“Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.”[1] 

Back at the beginning of this journey You’d asked me to share the whole courtship, the “Burning Bush,” the Tribunal, the fall in, the fall out, all of it, the whole relationship journey just as You told me to do.  Like Hannah at Shiloh (Lord, You remember Shiloh, the place of the seat of the Ark of the Covenant? (1 Sam 1:9; 1 Sam 4:3)) I poured out my heart to You!  I made my vows to You. (1 Sam 1:11)  I didn’t make my vows to poverty.  I made my vows to You!  (And You just led me down the path to meet Lady Poverty.)  I didn’t make my vows to the bishop or to anyone else but to You!  You heard me just as You heard Hannah.  I even received from my priest a similar blessing that Eli gave to Hannah:

1 Sam 1:17 Then Eli answered, “Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made to him.”

The “male child” in Hannah’s case (v 11) was birthed as Samuel out of her barren womb. In my case You “birthed” the “male child” that You immediately snatched up to God and to His throne. (Rev 12:5)  This was a spiritual/mystical thing that happened.  That doesn’t go down on a résumé very well.  I can’t borrow from something else to explain even to myself what You did back in those church gardens.  All I know is that I didn’t create the Church-as-Institution.  I didn’t “birth” it.  I didn’t even create this attitude of the Institution’s to “rule all the nations with an iron scepter.” (Rev 12:5)  The Institution had that attitude and mindset long before I came along!  And yet You still told me to “share the journey” starting in “Jerusalem.” (Acts 1:8)  Obviously my “Jerusalem” is Southern California, and it started at the Episcopal Church.  Lord, You gave me the same Great Commission that You gave to everyone else.  I complied to the best of my abilities.  I “worshiped You” and “shared the journey,” just like You told me to do.  And now?  Now I’m lucky if five people look at my Reflections each week and yet they go out to the whole world via the Internet.  How is that fulfilling Your Great Commission?  And on top of this, last week I laid Potential on the altar!  From my boots, Lord, the view doesn’t look very good.  Just saying…  I’ve done what You’ve asked.  I even reached out to eight out of the supposed ‘Seven Churches.’  I’ve gotten pretty beaten up by them, “something borrowed” from Your life and the Old and New Testaments.  My soul was made rather black and “something blue” from the whole journey.  But in the long run, it’s not the Church who did anything or simply that the prophets said “nothing” but it’s YOU, Lord!  You said NOTHING!  (Rev 8:1!) Sure, I did get angry because of people’s hypocrisy.  You experienced the same thing, Jesus.  No one likes to be called on their hypocrisy.  But how can one not get angry when one sees glaring discrepancies and injustice?  At the same time, even though I got angry at the Church for her hypocrisy, what about You?  All along You have talked about Your integrity.  At some point You have to make good on Your Word.

Jeremiah 5:31 The prophets prophesy lies [also translated ‘falsely’],
    the priests rule by their own authority,
and my people love it this way.
    But what will you do in the end? [NIV]

Yes, Lord.  What will You do in the end?  I know You’ve said many times that if I was the only person You had to die for, You would still have done it, and the same goes for everyone on the planet.  Thank You.  What else can one say to that?  Ok.  This is awkward.  Well, when do we get to the Living?  Pardon me, but right now I’m not altruistic.  I have my moments, but now is not one of them.  I’m still in my car-as-hermitage.  Since summer 2007!  I’ve given my life to You.  I made my vows to You.  It’s wrong to give my life and love to a people who don’t care or are just looking for entertainment.  I’m not a martyr.  I’m not You, Jesus.  I’m me.  I’m Your wife.  You remember.  YOU asked me to marry You on 14 May 2008.  You were there!  If I have any say in this relationship, then honesty is what I can give You.  So, what will You do in the end?  What will You do now?  I’m not waiting for something cataclysmic.  Are You?

You have been challenging the people to take a stand, to make their choices, to practice what they preach.  Well, what about You?  I ask this with utmost reverence and respect.  I also respect myself, and at the same time I can honestly say that surviving in my car-as-hermitage through one more season is enough to test the greatest of Iron Men.  I’m Your bride!  It is especially wrong when last week in the Lectionary You “said” to me that You would seek some security for me; Well?:

Ruth 3:1 Naomi her mother-in-law said to her [Ruth], “My daughter, I need to seek some security for you, so that it may be well with you.

Lord, how do You think this makes me feel when nothing happens, and still more nothing, and the months drag on into years which drag on into more Nothing, and yet I have continually put my faith in Your Word which is from You and You cannot go back on Your Word?  I say again: I am Your wife!  I realize there had been a curse put on me.  But the curse is over.  It’s been lifted.  Whatever is happening now to cause the Great Nothing in the Grand Silence to still continue is not related to the curse.  That is gone.  I suspect it is rooted in a spirit of stubbornness in the people, but I’m not absolutely certain.  Sometimes You can be just as stubborn as Your people.  You say to Your prophets, “A People Movement is Coming.”[2]  Well, where’s the shift of tangible love from this movement of people to move us from prophecy to reality?  You told us to spur one another on toward love and good deeds and not to neglect meeting together:

Hebrews 10:24 And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds,

10:25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Well, Lord, the Day IS approaching and, in fact, is here and we still can’t talk about “it.”  Neither can we talk about the monastic lifestyle, habits, rhythms, the “nazirite” orientation (1 Sam 1:11) and the life of simplicity of dedication to You, which ties into the scripture lessons the Lectionary Barons selected for this week.  Neither can we talk about how we process our relationship.  I don’t process things just through Light versus Darkness, or just energy movement, or just Nature, the way other cultures and religions seem to understand You, Lord.  I understand You through those things, too, and in the dynamic of interacting with body, mind, and spirit.  I process this understanding through a marriage relationship context and concept.  That’s how I relate to You, Lord.  But the Church and I can’t talk about it.  There’s more “provoking” going on than love and good deeds. (Heb 10:24)  No sanctuary for this Quasimodo.  To bring more absurdity into the mix, on the 14th of November, (and You have often shown me the fourteenth of any given month to carry significance,) the Israelis launched Operation “Pillar of Defense” against Hamas in an air strike “that the Islamist group vowed would “open the gates of hell”.”[3]  Hello?  Words have power.  What have we done?  And left undone?  The Yin/Yang contrast stuff is important!  God, nip this in the bud, NOW!  Open Your Gates of Heaven!!

Am I bitter like Naomi was? (Ruth 1:20)  Not exactly.  Frustrated, disappointed, saddened, neglected, ignored, dismissed, rejected; yes.  But I can honestly say that I am not bitter.  (Of course if I was in denial, I wouldn’t know that I was in denial.)   How can I describe this feeling?  It is similar to bitterness, but it is not exactly the same.  It is a type of focused sorrow but lacks the biting, acrid burn that accompanies bitterness, which desires to torch and flame entire landscapes and singeing oneself in the process.  Bitterness is caustic and destroys living and spiritual tissue.  I won’t deny that my tongue of ironic wit dips into sarcasm like sweet-sour sauce on the side for Sushi.  Having been skewered myself, this is familiar.  But more accurately, this feeling in the fiber of my life and soul is more like a violin string that is vibrating and waiting for the rest of the orchestra to join the melody but the Conductor keeps the baton suspended in the air.  I surrender to the suspension.  It’s true; the Church said she doesn’t need me.  I acknowledge that.  It is true.  She doesn’t need me.  She needs You, Lord.  That doesn’t mean I am not part of this symphony along with everyone else.    

Lord, Your prophets continue to ask: “Who do you say that I AM?”[4]  Yahweh, the sons of Issachar[5] understood Who You are.  And they understood what to do: 

1 Chr 12:32 from Issachar, men who understood the times and knew what Israel should do—200 chiefs, with all their relatives under their command;

It was two years ago—two YEARS—that’s eight seasons in my car!—when I asked the Church, “What static is covering up God’s Voice?” (08 November 2010).  They denied it back then and it’s still being denied today.  I’m just a mortal, Lord.  I can’t fight Denial.  That’s Your job.  The question was asked eight days after my Discernment Committee Tribunal was over, the court jester was dismissed, and on 30 October 2010 I was told I was not an Anchoress, Prophet, or Apostle, and the Church completely washed her hands of me.  The titles were just labels.  I had to let them go.  The little mystic was burned again.  Sizzle and Fry.  Benihana’s.®  Chop.  Chop.  Dinner and a show –of dinner. 

The question (“What static is covering up God’s Voice?”) was never addressed in 2010, and it still has not been addressed today.  When the physical pain of the loud (Much Too LOUD) speakers continued giving amplifier feedback, I addressed it specifically with each of the Churches, saying in one way or another, “God is not hard of hearing; people are.”  I begged each one to turn down the amplification.  They, in turn, begged me via their uniform and consistent Silence and miming/ pantomiming to turn down my spiritual amplification.  They could not turn theirs down.  And neither could I.  And neither could I turn mine up for the spiritually “hard of hearing” because then the message would just get more distorted again. 

Something old:  The age-old issue of not being heard.  “Hear, O Israel.”  (Dt 6:4)  “Hear what the Spirit says to the Seven Churches.” (Revelation 2 and 3)  Lord Jesus, please let me express my feelings here again: I was awash with feelings of jealousy, betrayal, abandonment—all allowed by God—because He had given me the same words of the wedding motto four years ago and it seemed that He didn’t (wouldn’t? couldn’t?) bring them to pass to make the transformation from words into actuality.  Really, “not one stone” has been left unturned in the Temple of my soul and life.  All has been thrown down. (Mk 13:2)  Where are the “birthpangs” of loving-kindness in action in Your House? 

Zechariah 13:If someone asks, ‘What are these wounds on your body?’ they will answer, ‘The wounds I was given at the house of my friends.’

Where is real sanctuary in the House of the Lord and not just parking and praying in my car-as-hermitage?  I have been holding fast to the confession of my hope without wavering and You have promised to be faithful. (Heb 10:24)  Where is the reality of all this talk on integrity?  Something old? Something new? Something borrowed? Something (black and) blue?  And the Church (and the Prophets) continue to say …

NOTHING.

Nothing tangible. (ref James 2:14-17)  We all join Thomas Merton in Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander.  Lord, You have the power to break the dysfunctional Silence and YOU do Nothing?  I lay the dysfunctional silence on Your altar, Lord.  I realize that it was the Grand Silence that originated from Your altar in the first place. (Rev 8:1)  Are You ready now to bring closure to the Seventh Seal episode and to make the “half an hour” of silence in heaven over?

Rev 8:1 When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.

Has it been a “half an hour” by Your clock?  I don’t have Your clock, so You are the One Who has to tell me.  If it is so, then please, take Your Silence back to Yourself.  Even the beach and the seashore have a boundary. (Proverbs 8)  Are we there yet?  Are we done suffering for Suffering’s sake?  Are the “Austerity Measures” austere enough?  Enough!  Enough, I say!  I am throwing them back at You, Lord.  Heaven is Your home and You are the one with the keys to the front door.  What kind of relationship is this?  Hospitality starts with You, Lord.

It’s a good thing that last week You repeated to me again that Archangel Michael has the books covered.  That’s so good to know.  It is truly VERY reassuring to me.  Knowing that fact that my books are covered has helped me to survive.  It’s helped me to get up in the morning. 

Dan 12:1 “At that time Michael, the great prince, the protector of your people, shall arise. There shall be a time of anguish, such as has never occurred since nations first came into existence. But at that time your people shall be delivered, everyone who is found written in the book.”

Ya’know, God, I’m glad they’re Your people, because right now I don’t recognize them.  So now I ask You: What good is a book (or six?) if it is not read?  How can we progress through the “birthpangs” You talk about in the Lectionary Gospel Lesson if the books stay hidden?

Mark 13:8 For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be earthquakes in various places; there will be famines. This is but the beginning of the birthpangs.

You said,

Dan 12:2 “Many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life, and some to shame and everlasting contempt.”

Well, Lord, I didn’t make the rules.  I followed where You led.  We are all made of “dust” (Gen 3:19), particle dust, housing the “God Particle,”[6] stardust, stars in Your crown.  You don’t make junk.  Some on this journey were spiritually “awake” and others were sleepwalking.  Even those who knew, didn’t know the whole story (even me) because we couldn’t talk about “it.”  Some were awestruck.  Some were dumbstruck.  And everyone to some degree or another was just stuck, stuck in Your embrace waiting for You to do something!  And You, Yourself, Lord, have been waiting! (Heb 10:13)  What a concept that You have been waiting.  You have been waiting until Your enemies would be a footstool for Your feet.  You told us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. (Mt 5:44)  And when the enemy is not human?  When the “persecution” is a very real “illusion” rooted in truth?  We are the ones who are changed when we pray for our enemies.  You don’t change, Lord.  We do.  Well, with all this waiting, I come back to my previous question: What do You want to do?  What works for You?  What delights Your soul, Lord Jesus?  Since the enemy of men’s soul is defeated by prayer, and we have been praying, are we, as a society, finally ready now to be “birthed” as You talked about in Mark 13:8?  That would be Something!

Something New begins as a point of holy Nothingness, as Thomas Merton so eloquently describes. (An excerpt from Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander from the anthology Thomas Merton: Spiritual Master):

“Again, that expression, le point vierge, (I cannot translate it) comes in here.  At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our own mind or the brutalities of our own will.  This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us.  It is so to speak His name written in us, as our poverty, as our indigence, as our dependence, as our sonship.  It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven.  It is in everybody, and if we could see it we would see these billions of points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely. …I have no program for this seeing.  It is only given.  But the gate of heaven is everywhere.”[7]

 

25 After Pentecost                  18 November 2012                             Gospel: Mark 13:1-8

1 Samuel 1:4-20
1:4 On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters;

1:5 but to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the LORD had closed her womb.

1:6 Her rival used to provoke her severely, to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb.

1:7 So it went on year by year; as often as she went up to the house of the LORD, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat.

1:8 Her husband Elkanah said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? Why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

1:9 After they had eaten and drunk at Shiloh, Hannah rose and presented herself before the LORD. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the LORD.

1:10 She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD, and wept bitterly.

1:11 She made this vow: “O LORD of hosts, if only you will look on the misery of your servant, and remember me, and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a male child, then I will set him before you as a nazirite until the day of his death. He shall drink neither wine nor intoxicants, and no razor shall touch his head.”

1:12 As she continued praying before the LORD, Eli observed her mouth.

1:13 Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard; therefore Eli thought she was drunk.

1:14 So Eli said to her, “How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine.”

1:15 But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the LORD.

1:16 Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation all this time.”

1:17 Then Eli answered, “Go in peace; the God of Israel grant the petition you have made to him.”

1:18 And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your sight.” Then the woman went to her quarters, ate and drank with her husband, and her countenance was sad no longer.

1:19 They rose early in the morning and worshiped before the LORD; then they went back to their house at Ramah. Elkanah knew his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her.

1:20 In due time Hannah conceived and bore a son. She named him Samuel, for she said, “I have asked him of the LORD.”

1 Samuel 2:1-10
2:1 Hannah prayed and said, “My heart exults in the LORD; my strength is exalted in my God. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in my victory.

2:2 “There is no Holy One like the LORD, no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.

2:3 Talk no more so very proudly, let not arrogance come from your mouth; for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.

2:4 The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble gird on strength.

2:5 Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry are fat with spoil. The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn.

2:6 The LORD kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up.

2:7 The LORD makes poor and makes rich; he brings low, he also exalts.

2:8 He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s, and on them he has set the world.

2:9 “He will guard the feet of his faithful ones, but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness; for not by might does one prevail.

2:10 The LORD! His adversaries shall be shattered; the Most High will thunder in heaven. The LORD will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king, and exalt the power of his anointed.”

Daniel 12:1-3
12:1 “At that time Michael, the great prince, the protector of your people, shall arise. There shall be a time of anguish, such as has never occurred since nations first came into existence. But at that time your people shall be delivered, everyone who is found written in the book.

12:2 Many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life, and some to shame and everlasting contempt.

12:3 Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the sky, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever.

Psalm 16
16:1 Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

16:2 I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”

16:3 As for the holy ones in the land, they are the noble, in whom is all my delight.

16:4 Those who choose another god multiply their sorrows; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names upon my lips.

16:5 The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.

16:6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage.

16:7 I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

16:8 I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

16:9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also rests secure.

16:10 For you do not give me up to Sheol, or let your faithful one see the Pit.

16:11 You show me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy; in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Hebrews 10:11-14, (15-18), 19-25
10:11 And every priest stands day after day at his service, offering again and again the same sacrifices that can never take away sins.

10:12 But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, “he sat down at the right hand of God,”

10:13 and since then has been waiting “until his enemies would be made a footstool for his feet.”

10:14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are sanctified.

10:15 And the Holy Spirit also testifies to us, for after saying,

10:16 “This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, says the Lord: I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds,”

10:17 he also adds, “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.”

10:18 Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin.

10:19 Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus,

10:20 by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh),

10:21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God,

10:22 let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

10:23 Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful.

10:24 And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds,

10:25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Mark 13:1-8
13:1 As he came out of the temple, one of his disciples said to him, “Look, Teacher, what large stones and what large buildings!”

13:2 Then Jesus asked him, “Do you see these great buildings? Not one stone will be left here upon another; all will be thrown down.”

13:3 When he was sitting on the Mount of Olives opposite the temple, Peter, James, John, and Andrew asked him privately,

13:4 “Tell us, when will this be, and what will be the sign that all these things are about to be accomplished?”

13:5 Then Jesus began to say to them, “Beware that no one leads you astray.

13:6 Many will come in my name and say, ‘I am he!’ and they will lead many astray.

13:7 When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be alarmed; this must take place, but the end is still to come.

13:8 For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be earthquakes in various places; there will be famines. This is but the beginning of the birthpangs.


[1] Jeremy Caris: “Ask Me for the Keys to the Next Two Years,” 07 Nov 12, Elijah List: http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word.html?ID=11547

[2] Kris Vallotton: “Don’t Look to the Political Climate – A People Movement is Coming,” 14 Nov 12:  Elijah List http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word.html?ID=11568

[4] Kim Hadaway: “Who Do You Say That I AM?”  Nov 17, 2012 Elijah List http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word.html?ID=11578

[5] Bob and Bonnie Jones: “Midwives Birth Children of Promise” Nov 16, 2012 Elijah List http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word.html?ID=11577

[6] The Higgs boson, or “God particle,” is believed to be the particle which gives mass to matter.  http://gotquestions.org/God-particle.html

[7] Lawrence S. Cunningham, ed.; Thomas Merton: Spiritual Master, The Essential Writings; NY: Paulist Press, 1992; p 146

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2 Responses to ““…Something Borrowed, Something Blue””

  1. Cathy Svitek November 18, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    Bless you Kathryn! I wish I knew the answer for you. I know God loves you very much. I assume the loud speakers you refer to are actual and not figurative; last time I was at Lighthouse my sister and I sat together in the foyer through the music. Have you heard of the possible Anglican church plant? I myself look forward to hearing more about that!

    Cathy

    • truthinus November 19, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      Thank you, Cathy!
      I am pleasantly surprised that anyone even read yesterday’s Reflection. I have been sending out weekly reminders since the blog started after Easter. I’d send reminders when the newest Reflection was posted, but yesterday the BCC (blind copy) function did not work, so I did not send out an email reminder. God put His hand on my shoulder and said I could stop spoon-feeding. That was a relief, as I have wanted to stop that extra step in my routine for a long time.
      As to the loud speakers, I was referring to both actual and figurative, as I have approached the issue on many fronts (actual, figurative, metaphorical, and spiritual) from many angles and opportunities with all the various Churches which God has sent me to. The heart of the issue is the Church-as-Collective-Body not listening and not caring that she cannot listen. “WHAT?! Listen to WHAT¿!” she screams through her own static.
      As to the Anglican Church plant? Fr Mike Flynn http://freshwindministries.org/ knows about it. Maybe he can break the dysfunctional silence. Who knows? For the longest time now the Elijah List prophets have been talking about realignment and new assignments. Maybe this is part of it. All I know is that I have tried to reach out. I have been faithful on my end. That’s all I can do. ~k

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